For those that don't know, (V.O.) stands for "voice only", (O.S.) stands for "off screen"

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fade in:

"Pendragon: The Merchant of Death"

INT. MARK’S ROOM - NIGHT

A clock is ticking. It ticks four times and then the door bursts open. Mark runs into the room and tosses his bag onto his bed. He locks the door and then turns on his bedside lamp. He frantically reaches for his backpack and empties it out on the bed. His text books along with some old looking parchment falls out. A gray ring plops out on top. Mark grabs it. He runs over to his dresser, stuffs the ring into the top drawer, and slams the drawer closed. He sighs and turns around. He sits at the head of his bed and takes off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. He is definitely rattled. He then looks to his left. He reaches over, tentatively picks up the pieces of paper, and begins to read.

Bobby (V.O.):
I hope you’re reading this Mark. Heck,
I hope anybody’s reading this because
the only thing that’s keeping me from
going totally off my nut right now is
getting this all down on paper so that
someday, when it’s all over, it’ll help
prove that I’m not a total whack job.
You see, two things happened yesterday
that changed my life forever. Let me try
to piece together the events that led to my
writing this.

EXT. BOBBY’S HOUSE - DAY

Inside the window, a Bobby is lying on his bed tossing his basketball into the air and catching it.

Bobby (V.O.):
(continued)
Up until yesterday, I was living large.
School came pretty easy; I was great
at sports; my parents were cool. I had
excellent friends with you sitting right
on top Mark.

INT. BOBBY’S ROOM

A golden retriever runs in and jumps on the bed.

Bobby (V.O.):
(continued)
My dog, Marley, was the coolest golden
retriever there ever was.

Bobby gets out of bed and exits the room. Bobby starts to go down the stairs, Marley passes him on the right and runs down the stairs.

Bobby (V.O.):
(continued)
The thing is, I also had an Uncle Press.

SERIES OF SHOTS

The following is Bobby getting ready to leave for the basketball game.

A ) Bobby does his homework.
B ) Bobby eats a bannana and a couple of pop-tarts.
C ) Bobby feeds Marley.
D ) Bobby takes a shower.
E ) Etc.

Bobby (V.O.):
(continued)
Every once in a while he’d show up, out of
the blue, and take me flying in some private
plane, or scuba diving, or something else
just as amazing. But there was always
something a little mysterious about him. I’d
have to say though, Uncle Press was the
coolest guy I ever met. That is, until
yesterday.
That night was the county semifinal
basketball team. You know how important I
am to the team. I’m the highest scoring point
guard in Stony Brook Junior High history. I’m
not bragging, that’s just the truth. So I
couldn’t miss the game unless I wanted lots
of people mad at me. Mom, Dad, and my little
sister Shannon had already left for the gym. I
grabbed my pack, headed for the door, threw
it open, and came face to face with…

He grabs his bag, walks to the door, and opens it. There is a girl standing in the door way with her hand up as if she was about to knock.

Bobby (V.O.):
(continued)
Courtney Chetwynde.

She doesn’t move. Bobby leans against the wall.

Bobby:
Yo.

Courtney bites her lower lip, then opens her mouth to speak.

Courtney:
Hi. I know you’ve got to get to the game,
I don’t want to make you late.

Bobby:
I’ve got plenty of time. C’mon in.


Bobby (V.O.):
Courtney. The crush I had on her dated
back to when we were in grade school.
She was always so… perfect, but not in
that "I'm too good for you" way.

Courtney walks in past Bobby. Bobby watches her for a second longer then turns to shut the door. She is standing in front of the stairs. Bobby walks up to her and sets his book down.

Courtney:
I wasn’t sure if I should come here. It’s
just… since we were kids, I’ve had this…
feeling about you

Bobby:
Oh?

Courtney:
(nervous)
There’s something about you, Bobby. People trust you and look up to you. And it’s not like you are trying to show off. You’re just this really great guy….. who I’ve had this incredible crush on since fourth grade.

Bobby’s eyes grow wide.

Courtney:
(continued)
I’m not sure why I’m telling you this
now, but I have this weird feeling that
if I didn’t, I might never get the chance
to tell you again, or to do this.

Courtney steps up and leans in to kiss him. She pauses for a moment, and he leans in to kiss her. Courtney places her right hand on Bobby’s neck and her left hand on his back. Bobby wraps his arms around her waist.

Bobby (V.O.):
It was the most amazing 30 seconds of
my life, I just wish it could have lasted
longer.

Uncle Press (O.S.):
Hi, Bobby.

Bobby’s eyes snap open and he looks at the door. He pulls away from Courtney, who is just as surprised.

Bobby:
(embarrassed)
Uncle Press! Hi!

Courtney walks to the door tentatively. She’s blushing.

Courtney:
I… uh… better go.

Bobby:
No, don’t go.

Press:
Yes, you should go.

Courtney opens the door and leaves. Uncle Press watches the door close then he turns to Bobby, looking serious.

Press:
I’m sorry, Bobby, but I need your help. I
want you to come with me.

Bobby:
But I got a game. County semis. I’m
already late.

Press:
You didn’t seem too concerned about that
a few seconds ago.

Bobby:
Good point. But I really am late, and it is
a big game. Mom and Dad are already
there with Shannon; if I don’t show up—

Press:
They’ll understand. I wouldn’t ask you
to do this if I didn’t think it was more
important than a basketball game…
or kissing that beautiful girl who just left.

Bobby lifts his hand and opens his mouth to argue the point, but Uncle Press cuts him off.

Press:
Bobby, you’ve known me all your life.
Have you ever seen me like this?

Bobby lowers his hand and his mouth closes. He looks slightly down.

Press:
Then you know how serious this is.

Bobby looks down and thinks. Bobby sighs.

Bobby:
. . . . Alright.

Uncle Press opens the front door. Bobby walks outside Uncle Press close behind.

EXT. BOBBY’S HOUSE - DAY
They both walk out of the house. Press walks past Bobby. They continue toward the road where a motorcycle is parked. Uncle Press is wearing his long, tan, leather coat. It flaps a bit in the wind. Uncle Press grabs the extra helmet and tosses it to Bobby. Bobby catches it. Uncle Press mounts the bike and puts on his own helmet. Bobby lifts the helmet to put on.

Bobby:
What’s this all about Uncle Press?

Bobby puts on the helmet and mounts the bike and grabs hold of Press.

Press:
(muffled)
You’ll find out.

Press starts the motorcycle and they drive off. The motorcycle makes almost no noise. You can vaguely see New York City on the horizon.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - SUNSET

The orange and goldenrod light from the sun reflects off of the Empire State Building.


EXT. ENTRANCE TO TRAIN STATION/BRONX – NIGHT

The light is dim. Press and Bobby drive down the road on the motorcycle. They pull up to a subway entrance and the engine stops. They both get off. The area looks empty, but it feels like many eyes are closely watching them. Uncle Press leaves and starts down the stairs. Bobby sees the keys in the ignition.

Bobby:
What are you doing? I’m no crime
expert, but if we leave this thing, it’s
gonna be gone if we blink.

Press:
We don’t need it anymore.

Press keeps walking down. Bobby looks confused and doesn’t move. Press notices and walks back up to him.

Press:
Do you trust me Bobby?

Bobby:
…. Of course.

Press:
I promise things will become clear to
you, but we don’t have time for that
now. I will say this: There are a group
of people that need my help. What I
need is your help. Are you with me?

Bobby doesn’t answer immediately.

Bobby:
Yes….

They walk down to the entrance to the station, but there are boards covering the entrance. Bobby starts to ask how they’re going to go in when Uncle Press lifts one of the boards free and sets it on the floor. Apparently it hadn’t really been nailed. They crawl through. Bobby struggles to see in the dim light. Trash strewn across the floor. Bobby hears the sound of scurrying rats. Several pillars go up to the ceiling. Sleeping on the floor by the wall is a homeless man. Press turns to Bobby.

Press:
Bobby, if anything goes wrong I want
you to–

Man (O.C.):
Stop right there!

Uncle Press’s eyes grew wide. Behind him is a police officer with piercing blue eyes that could burn a soul to cinders. The officer has his hand poised on his gun. Press turns around. His face confirms that he had known who the speaker was. He stands straight and acts calmly. The homeless man wakes up and sees the people. The man gets angry and stands up.

Homeless man:
Can’t you guys ever leave me alone?
Go away!

The homeless man walks over towards them.

Policeman:
(ignoring the homeless man)
So Press, it’s been a while.

Press:
You showed up yourself this time. I’m
honored.

Dim white light starts to glow in the tunnel. The sound of a train is heard.

Homeless man:
This is my home! I don’t want any of you
around! All I want is some piece! Get out!

The policeman gave the homeless man a ferocious glare. The homeless man starts shaking violently with fear.

The light in the tunnel is at full force. The sound is deafening.

The man starts to scream. He is barely heard over the sound of the train.

He bolts for the tracks and jumps off the platform and is hit midair by the train.

His screams instantly stop. There isn’t even a thud.

The train rushes by. Press and Bobby are horrorstricken. The police officer is smirking. When the sound of the train dies away, Press turns to the policeman with anger on his face. When he speaks, it is with barely contained rage.

Press:
That was beneath you Saint Dane.

Police officer:
I wanted to give the boy a taste of what’s
to come. After all, he should be prepared
for anything.

The policeman takes two steps forward, morphing. He grows a foot in height; his police cloths are replaced by an asian suit and a trench coat that are so dark that light seems to fall into them. He still has the gun. His skin grows pale and his hair grows long and white, but his eyes are the same, deadly and vicious.

Saint Dane:
And I wouldn’t want to traumatize him.

Saint Dane still has his hand poised over the gun. There is an air of rising tension. Saint Dane whips out his gun. At the same time, Uncle Press pulls out a gun of his own. Press shoves Bobby behind a pillar.

BANG! Saint Dane fires.

BANG! Uncle Press shoots too. He hides behind the pillar with Bobby. Bullets hit the pillar sending debris everywhere.

Press:
(still shooting)
Bobby, what I’m about to tell you is
extremely important. I want you to go
down to the tracks, and walk along them.
After about thirty meters down, there will
be a door with a star carved in it. Go in
and yell DENDURON. I’ll catch up as soon
as I can. Understand?

Bobby nods.

Press:
Good. I’ll buy you some time. GO!

Uncle Press jumps out and starts shooting rapidly. Bobby starts running for the stairs.

Press:
(shouts)
And watch out for quigs!

Bobby runs down to the tracks and starts walking down close to the wall. It’s incredibly narrow. If a train comes, he’d be dead. It gets darker and darker as he walks. He can hear the gunshots echoing through the tunnel. He sees a light ahead. A light bulb hanging from the ceiling reveals a wooden door with something scratched on it.

Then there is a GROWL.

Bobby turns around and pears into the darkness. He sees a pair of yellow eyes watching him. No reason or intelligence guided these eyes, only depthless malice and voracious hunger.

GROWL. Three more pairs of eyes appear. Bobby is still for a moment, then he bolts for the door. The beasts run after him. Bobby looks back and sees that they are dogs, four huge black dogs with inhuman yellow eyes. One of them jumps and knocks Bobby to the ground. He kicks it and jumps up just before a second lunges at him. He dodges, but he is now surrounded.

Bobby hears a rattling noise. Another train is coming!

The horn blares and the dogs start whimpering and yelling as if it is physically hurting them. Bobby takes this chance to bolt for the door.

As soon as the horn stops, they start barking and are hard on his heals.

Bobby looks back and is nearly blinded by the light of the train.

Finally he reaches the door with the star. He pushes the door open and runs inside.

The dog in front jumps at him but is hit by the speeding train. The bright lights from inside the train rush by while the passengers are completely unaware of anything that just happened. The train passes and continues down the tunnel. Its horn blares one last time.

Bobby turns around and looks. There is a large tunnel of a dull gray rock that stretched out as far as the eye can see.

INT. MARK’S ROOM – NIGHT

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Mark looks up from the parchment.

Mark’s Mother:
Mark, are you in there?

Mark:
Yeah Mom. You need something?

Mark’s Mother:
Yes, I need to talk to you about dinner
tomorrow night.

Mark stacks the pieces of parchment and hides them in his dresser. He opens the door and goes down the hall with his mom.

Mark’s Mother:
Since me and your father are out tomorrow
night, I wanted to know what I should fix to
heat up for you tomorrow night. Is ravioli ok?

Mark:
Sounds great.

CUT TO:


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Ok, so that is how I would begin the movie. What would happen in the next scene is Mark would go to Courtney at school and talk ask her if she kissed Bobby the night before. When she says yes, he'll convince her to come and read some of the journal. She comes over when his parents are gone and she starts reading. After a while, she says, "Where did you get this." Then Mark explains about Osa giving him the ring, and how when he was walking back from school, the ring started growing and the journal being delivered. Then they would both read more of Bobby's journal.

If you guys like it, I can keep writing.

So, any thoughts?

Sir, I just skimmed that script. Don't have time to read fully at the moment, but... consider yourself a writer. B)

Thanks! I'm happy to hear (or rather, read) that. :)

Nice,I understand you had to cut some stuff out,but it's definetly movie worthy.
Sorry I've been gone so long,I've been busy with school,friends,and writing a book I hope to get published.I finally checked my emails today and found Saint Kane's.Then I found your message that lead me here.Great job and I'm back!!As Spader says...

Hobey Ho,let's go!!

A delay of a few days. Hopefully more people will get the email soon too.

Thanks, my major change to it was how Bobby escaped the quigs. In the book, they run away afraid when the flume turns on. But I felt that it was more important to establish the idea that they hate loud and sharp noises, especially considering how important it is in the first story.


This is kinda out of place, but I wanted to say this. I personally think the quigs on Quillan shouldn't be robots. I didn't quite understand the point of it when I read the book. I don't think we should like show them gushing blood if they die, but at least think it shouldn't be mentioned.

I like the ideas. I'm gonna copy it to the Writers' Table and add some suggestions.

Just letting you guys know,I'm working on a script of my own right now.I started it yesterday and it's going great.I'm having fun putting my own little twist to the story.It'll be up around a week after Chritmas,maybe even earlier.My plan is to finish it,and then revise it a few times.Also,that won't mean I won't be on here posting for a week,it just means I want to contribute to the writing.I will still be on here regularly,once I get home I'm right on the computer.

Merry Christmas!

Sounds good! Can't wait to see it.

Having some problems. I lended the first two books to my friend. He finished them, but I still haven't gotten them back. And to make matters worse, I keep forgetting to just go and write from memory. I hope it's all right if I post it late.

Nah, don't risk using your memory. Even my vision of what happened might be skewered from the actual writing. Ah, the power of imagination, eh?

No rush. We've all got plenty to do.


Also, if you'd like to send me a copy of your other works (samples from class assignments, etc.), that would be nice. If they don't fit in a PM, an email will be fine.
[thependragonmovie@hotmail.com]

Cool. Will do.I'll look for certain assignments that will show it especially. Thanks.

Helios, this is the best script I've seen here so far, and I've read most of them. Though, I'm not positive if I like exactly how it opens... would you mind if i emailed you something and see if you like it?

Well if it's for Pendragon we'd all prefer if you posted it here. :)
If not, I'm sure Helios won't mind, though he can't be on much. Broken computer and doesn't have a new one yet.

Yea, I mean can I write the first scene and see if anyone digs it? I'm not real great with script-writing, but I can give it another whirl. I just think that the first scene, which has to set up the entire movie, needs to be perfect. If we throw them right into the heat of things, maybe.

Yeah, it's funny that we're starting with it, because really it's the most difficult part to write (as we're finding out). "What comes first?"

Beginning and End are the most important parts of any story really.

yeah, I totally agree with you that the beginning is very important.

and after actually reading this script, I really like how the very beginning is handled. But the only problem that I can think of now is how and why does Mark go to his room when he reads the journal in the bathroom? Because mostly I really like the bathroom, and I guess we could change it to Mark running through the halls of the school, running into people, then running into the bathroom and then him throwing the ring and it exploding in light and sound. Then the journal appears and then he tentatively picks it up and reads the first line and then we fade into the journal sequence with Bobby doing voiceovers.

Oooh, I really like what I wrote. I think I'll work on rewriting the beginning of the script. Also the whole beginning scene and when to cut back to Mark reading the journal is a big problem that I think we have yet to answer. So whenever we actually decide when Mark is going to come back into the story and break up the journal would be a great thing to decide upon.

Sorry I wrote a lot, I'm just rambling as ideas pop into my head. Can't wait to get this thing started!

Yeah :D there are so many beginnings. We'll have to narrow that down. And as we finish notes on these books, we'll need to divide up scenes and where to stop for all the Mark business.

Well I really feel that Mark would be more afraid of the ring than curious about the journals. I think his first reaction would be to hide them both in his backpack and then wait to get home. That's why I had him shove the ring away before he got really curious about the story.

The kiss scene should be next. I'll put it this way, when I was turned onto the series, my friend just said (read the first ten pages tonight) and that hooked me. Because, BAM you're in the story. How Mark got the ring, him talking to Courtney can all wait until Bobby is about to go to Denduron. So, like I said, I was going to have Mark go talk to Courtney at school the next day. They go back to his house and read the first journal. (that's when we see the rest of the first journal. Then she doesn't believe him but the ring goes off and delivers Journal # 2, which they then read. THen they get together the "shopping list" for Bobby, they give it to him in the flume, then the ring goes off again giving them the next journal which they read on the way home. Then something else happens, (I forgot) then they get the fourth, read it, Bobby appears at their door, then they go to the empty lot and he leaves for Cloral.

Yeah, I think Mark would be pretty freaked by the ring. Here, he's just given this ring that grows and lights up and plays odd music...that might freak anyone out, you know?

But once the fear of it goes away, he'd start to get curious about it and whatnot ;)

So you're thinking

• Mark bursts into the room to read the journal
• Bobby's intro & The Kiss & Subway/Flume
• Mark & Courtney
• Denduron

Exie's version:

• Bobby's intro & The kiss
• Mark gets the Ring
• Mark at school. Journal arrives in bathroom at he reads
• Subway/Flume
• Mark & Courtney
• Denduron

I think receiving the journal in the bathroom is a must, and while he will be startled, he's inevitably going to pick the paper up, and who's going to pick up that piece of paper and just stow it away for later after that happens?
I think he'll have to read the first words in the same place he does in the book. Running to his room is a creative liberty we don't need to take. It would disappoint fans and doesn't really add or change anything for the better.

I agree with pretty much everything you've said and yes...the bathroom scene is a must.

Ok, I finished writing it, and I realized I was kinda angry when I wrote it, so just know, I'm not trying to offend you.

I really disagree very strongly. I don't like that he reads the journal in the bathroom DURING class. After all, the big part of his character is that he is a good student.

I know that it's important to please the fans, hell, I'm one of them. But I think it's more important to tell a good story. And you can't be asking yourself about every line and saying "Will the fans be ok with this?" It just doesn't work. Because there is a fan out there for every little f***ing thing in these books.

And you can't just pull out the book and shoot it page by page. Peter Jackson himself said that. If we do that, not only is it going to be eight f***in' hours long, but it's gonna suck. You know why? Because it's not a movie, it's a book. And when you are doing an adaptation, and that's what this is, it's not a translation. When you are doing an adaptation, you have to make it a movie.

I've said it before, and lord knows I will say it again. It is a MYTH that the book is always better than the movie. Sometimes the movie makes improvements. For example, Batman: Year One is just about the best Batman story out there, but it is different in many ways from the Batman that Bill Finger conceived of. That doesn't make it any less valid. In fact I think Frank Miller understood the character MORE than Bill Finger.

Because the characters, you see, they become alive in a sense. And they have personalities, quirks and other things that even the original author doesn't understand.

Hell, I know when I make characters, they become alive to me, and eventually they are telling the story through me. But sometimes my ego or whatever gets in there and muddles them. I ain't perfect. And someone else someday may be able to understand my characters better than I do, I just what I can to be the best vessel I can be.

You know what, D.J. isn't perfect either. I love the books, but the books aren't the story, they are one way of telling it. So if you want, go ahead and fight me on every little think that I think should be different, but so long as you understand that I have a damn good point, we can make a compromise.

Well, I agree with what you're saying, but I'm of the mind of making minimal changes, and changing only what needs to be changed. In fact, there are many flaws in D.J.'s story, because as his story evolved, there were not consistency checks, and some things were overlooked.

One example is of something you pointed out to me long ago in the first couple scenes of your script. "City cops on this territory wear blue."

Saint Dane seems to be clueless about Second Earth, but we find out later that can't be the case, because he's been playing Andy Mitchell all their lives (or it could be that he killed the real Mitchell at some point).
Alternatively, he could be feigning ignorance and dressing in khaki to get them to underestimate him. Plenty of angles to take on the situation, OR, as you initially suggested, we could leave it out. It's a bit empty and superfluous.

And I agree that a good student like Mark would not miss a class to read a journal. But how long is a passing period at Stony Brook Jr. High? Can those few pages of Bobby's journal be read in that time? Do we hear a bell ring just as Bobby gets sucked into the flume?

Does it make any more sense that Mark (who is not an athlete) would run to his house to read a story? Sure, the events call for some unordinary behavior on his part, but ditching class would be no different IF he had to ditch class to read in the bathroom.

But let's say we agree that Mark doesn't have time at school. How's this for a compromise: Mark seems like the kind of bookworm who might walk home with a book in his face, reading while walking, perhaps a small bag of carrots in one hand. So he pulls the journal out (reading in the open, which is the downside of this thought) and walks home as he reads.

As soon as he reaches Bobby's flume travel, we snap back to reality, where "surprise!", Courtney is outside Mark's house, tapping her foot with impatience and demanding to know where Bobby is.
This scenario would save the trip to the gym, cutting back on time, but also leaving less development of Courtney's character.

The fact is: anything we take away from one part of the story is going to create a hole somewhere later in the plot (unless it is, in fact, sealing up a hole, such as the khaki uniform incident). If Mark doesn't visit the bathroom on this first trip and bump into Andy Mitchell, we don't establish Andy as a regular nuisance and a part of their lives, making the shocker in book 6(?) less meaningful.

:) Thank you. I just wanted to say that first. I feel a lot better now.

I had another idea though while I was reading. The ring activates on his way to class. He runs in the bathroom. The journals arrive. He picks it up, and in his head we hear the first two or three sentences by Bobby. But then Andy Mitchell walks in. Mark stuffs them in his bag. "What you got there?" "Playboys" although actually I don't like that line. He escapes. The ring bugs him all day. He goes home as fast as his non-athletic legs can take him and then he shoves the ring in the drawer and starts reading.

I'll be honest though, I really want him the movie to start with him running into his room panicked about the ring and then starting to read the journals. It really grabs you right into the story. And the audience will be in suspense wondering why he's so afraid of the ring. And they are thinking that until he tells Courtney. So I really think all that aught to be told in flashback.

And we have some gold here. We have someone in the scene (Courtney) that doesn't know this stuff. We should be thanking DJ that we don't have to tell it all chronologically. It's soooo frustrating when you need to tell the audience something but you don't have anyone on screen that also needs to know.



Now I'm gonna side with the book on something, imagine that. I don't think Courtney should be actively looking for Bobby. She should be curious, but I kinda like her reaction when Mark asks her if she and Bobby were making out. And I kinda disagree about him casually reading this journal, eating carrots while this nuclear ring is in his bag.

Sorry for shooting your idea down, I just can't say I support it. ^^;

Well, alright, but if we need to open on Mark, why not choose the hallway scene with everyone berating him for Bobby's absence?

* Mark in the hallway
* As he's cornered, the ring activates and he runs to the bathroom
* Bobby's opening
* He leaves and rushes to Courtney, then explains about getting the ring from a nice African woman in the middle of the night (flashback) and how it shot pieces of parchment at him. Naturally, she raises her eyebrows at him, possibly slugs him
* Empty lot at Linden Place
* Back to Bobby


If he's at his house, when does he go to Courtney? A late afternoon phonecall and they meet at Linden Place at dusk? We could run with that too, but it deviates from the book unnecessarily.
I get that you want to open on Mark's panic, but why does he need to run home? Why are we going to Mark's house? Demonic ring or not, he could just toss it next to the toilet and stuff it in his pocket as he leaves. And being that it is now a link to his missing best friend, I can't actually see that he would be too terrified of the ring itself, regardless of the supernatural light show.

Yeah, I do think having everyone yelling at Mark over Bobby would be a good way to start things off. Grabs people's interest as to what's going on and will get them wondering where it's all leading.

And that's true too. We don't know how long breaks between bells are at Stony Brook, so we pretty much have to figure out what works best.

Yes I think that Mark in the hall would be a very good starter.
It gives the audience the questions "Who is this Bobby guy? Why is he missing?"

True. Still a good hook. Still from the book.

A good book hook. :blink:

More upbeat than the actual journal line. Even if "I hope you're reading this, Mark." would've been nice. It's kind of a slow, mellow opening. Like Lord of the Rings, but that won't really fit here.

True. It would have been cool to have it start off with Bobby reading his journal, but then again, we've got ourselves another good opening. It'll have the audience questioning the situation.

Haha, book hook :lol:

Well, to be honest, I can't imagine that being the opening. I like that the journal activates during that time. But I really think the arrival of the journal should be backstory explained to Courtney. Big rule of screenwriting, never say stuff twice. If you've already seen it, you can't tell anyone that it happened. Courtney is inevitably going to ask where Mark got the journal. So he needs to tell her at some point. I really think that would be the ideal time.

If we open with people jeering, then we are opening with him being humiliated and then being put in a state of panic when the ring activates. So he goes into the bathroom. Journal arrives. He reads the first few sentences and then Andy comes in. He ducks out and let's just say a couple shots of him during class looking anxious while the clock drags on. So then he goes home as fast as he can and then goes into his room, locks the ring away and then we start into Bobby's story.

Well, the problem is we need to get into Bobby's story soon. Whereas above, a couple of minutes have already passed. After all, especially the first book, is all about Bobby. Mark and Courtney don't do much. SO.... Sorry I gtg, I'll be back later.

Hmm...yes. I agree with you. That's a good point. Definitely want to get into Bobby's story right away, since it's pretty much all about Bobby. Mark and Courtney are on the side, wondering about it all is and why his family disappeared, etc...

But yes, if we could start off with Bobby, that would make for a good start. The story has to focus more on him and Denduron anyway. Mark and Courtney are basically a "story-on-the-side" where they're trying to figure everything out. That's not the main story. It's Bobby story.

okay, there are some very interesting ideas here for the opening, which is very important. They are all good and get the viewers attention, but this is just what I think the opening should be:

Bobby writing and speaking in voiceover saying: I hope you're reading this, Mark. Heck, I hope anybody's reading this.

Then the opening credits would begin.

After the credits we would go into Mark running through the halls of the school. He runs into the bathroom, yanks the glowing ring off his finger, and throws it in the middle of the bathroom. The ring opens and delivers Bobby's journal. He tentatively picks up the journal, opens in, reads the first two lines aloud, and looks up. The screen would fade or zoom on the journal and we would hear Bobby talk.

Then we go into Bobby's opening story.


and that's how I think the opening should be. I just think from a viewer watching the movie's point of view, they would be curious throughout the entire credits what is going on and who is Mark. Then they meet Mark and wonder what the ring is as Bobby's story is told.

so just my version. any comments?

:)

I'll be honest, If we have Mark running into the bathroom. at the beginning, I'd be fine. But lets say this:

Mark I hope you are reading this. Heck, I hope anyone is reading this. \

Pendragon: The Merchant of Death

Mark runs through the hall, runs into the bathroom. He rips the glowing ring off and throws it on the ground. The Journal arrives. Mark nervously picks up the journal and starts reading.

Mark I hope you are reading this. Heck, I hope anyone is reading this.



Ok, I hope you see the problem. You say the same thing two different times too close together. If you get rid of the first one then I'd be happier with that than I have been with everything except my own version. So I think we're making a little progress.

Yeah, you don't want to go repeating the same thing twice. Removing the first I feel would be much better. I'm alright with having Mark running into the bathroom. Either way, as long as we capture the audience and have them guessing and wondering as to what Mark's doing, we should be fine. Either seems okay to me, whether it's Mark running into the bathroom, or having to escape a crowd of angry teens.

Both seem like decent starting points.

Another thing though, why I think it should be backstory. I get the feeling that if people are watching this, and the first thing that happens (the activation of the ring) is so bat crap crazy, I don't want "What the f***?" to be their first thought, I want "Oh god, why is he so scared of this ring! (which in my version appears normal until he tells Courtney)"



Btw, Saint Kane, have you read the comic book of Watchmen? (Or has anyone for that matter?)

I haven't. It's on the non-existent reading list of mine that isn't written down anywhere. :)

It's very good. But did you like the movie?

Absolutely. :)